What is a Failed Match?

What does it mean when you get the call that you have been "matched" with a birthmother. And what does it mean when there is a "failed match"?"

A "match" occurs when a birthmother or birthparents have chosen the adoptive parents. A match is said to have "failed" when the birthmother or birthparents change their mind and decide to parent. Most of the time this occurs after the birth of the child. In Texas, birthmothers cannot relinquish their parental rights until at least 48 hours after delivery. They can take longer, but they cannot sign the papers until 48 hours has passed. Until the papers are signed, a birthmother can decide to parent. Once the papers are signed though, there is no going back. No 30 days to change her mind, like in some states.

Well, that is a little cut and dried isn't it? Let's just be up front and admit that a "failed match" is heartbreak. It is sad. It is full of grief. It is a loss. You cannot help but get excited - a birthmother has chosen YOU! And then your world crashes in. The words coming out of your mouth are wishing this woman well, and wanting the very best for this child, but your heart is screaming NO!

How do you cope? You grieve. You cry.

• Let your friends and family help you.
• Know that each of you will grieve in your own way. If one partner isn't crying, that doesn't mean they aren't grieving. Be there for each other.
• Know that some people, not knowing WHAT to say, but wanting to offer comfort, will invariably say the wrong thing. Forgive them.
• Don't give yourself a time table to "feel better". Every person and every situation is unique.

Hope Family Julie and Steven Saal chronicled their adoption journey and their failed matches on their blog "Life is Simple, It's Just Not Easy". Often, the best resource we can offer is someone who has been down the road before you.

Hope Cottage is the oldest nonprofit, non sectarian adoption agency in Dallas. Since 1918 Hope Cottage has been building and nurturing strong families through counseling, education and adoption services.

If you have questions about adoption, please call Hope Cottage at 214.526.8721. 

If you are a woman facing an unwanted pregnancy and would like to talk to someone about adoption, please call Hope Cottage at 1.800.944.4464 or 214.404.4546.

Picture Tuesday

Every Tuesday, Hope Cottage - Dallas' oldest nonprofit, nonsectarian adoption agency shares pictures from its archives.  Enjoy!

What a smile!

Hope Babies are the cutest babies!

Hope Cottage is the oldest nonprofit, non sectarian adoption agency in Dallas. Since 1918 Hope Cottage has been building and nurturing strong families through counseling, education and adoption services.
 

If you have questions about adoption, please call Hope Cottage at 214.526.8721. 

 

If you are a woman facing an unwanted pregnancy and would like to talk to someone about adoption, please call Hope Cottage at 1.800.944.4464 or 214.404.4546.

Picture Tuesday

Every Tuesday, Hope Cottage, Dallas' oldest nonprofit, nonsectarian adoption agency shares pictures from its archives.  Enjoy!

Proud New Parents

Looking quite dapper

Hope Cottage is the oldest nonprofit, non sectarian adoption agency in Dallas. Since 1918 Hope Cottage has been building and nurturing strong families through counseling, education and adoption services.

If you have questions about adoption, please call Hope Cottage at 214.526.8721. 

If you are a woman facing an unwanted pregnancy and would like to talk to someone about adoption, please call Hope Cottage at 1.800.944.4464 or 214.404.4546.

Meet the Staff - Jennifer Terry

Jennifer Terry, LMSW

Calm, reassuring and supportive are just three of the words that come to mind when you want to describe Jennifer Terry, Infant Adoption Coordinator for Hope Cottage.  Jennifer earned her B.S. in Social Work from Texas Woman's University and her Master of Science in Social Work (MSSW) from the University of Texas at Arlington.  Prior to coming to Hope Cottage three years ago, Jennifer also worked with victims of domestic violence and the mentally ill. 

As the Infant Adoption Coordinator, Jennifer supervises five employees and oversees all aspects of that program, including counseling and education for Waiting to Adopt Families and Pregnancy Services for Birthfamilies. 

When we asked Jennifer what she liked to do in her spare time, she said "with two children under two years of age, there is no such thing as spare time!"  She does enjoy spending time with her family and if it can be near a beach or in the water - that makes it even sweeter.  In fact, Jennifer once scuba dived in a six million gallon indoor aquarium at Disney World-Epcot.  That aquarium is the world's second largest aquarium and is filled with brown sharks, manatees, sting rays and even a 600 pound grouper!

Jennifer says the best part of working at Hope Cottage is being part of the process of building families through adoption.  Jennifer brings a special skill set to that process - she herself is an adoptee. 

Hope Cottage is the oldest nonprofit, non sectarian adoption agency in Dallas. Since 1918 Hope Cottage has been building and nurturing strong families through counseling, education and adoption services.

If you have questions about adoption, please call Hope Cottage at 214.526.8721. 

 

If you are a woman facing an unwanted pregnancy and would like to talk to someone about adoption, please call Hope Cottage at 1.800.944.4464 or 214.404.4546.

Picture Tuesday

Every Tuesday, Hope Cottage - Dallas' oldest nonprofit, nonsectarian adoption agency, shares photos from its archives.  Enjoy!

Her baby doll is almost as big as she is!

What a cutie!  Love all those curls!

Hope Cottage is the oldest nonprofit, non sectarian adoption agency in Dallas. Since 1918 Hope Cottage has been building and nurturing strong families through counseling, education and adoption services.

If you have questions about adoption, please call Hope Cottage at 214.526.8721. 

If you are a woman facing an unwanted pregnancy and would like to talk to someone about adoption, please call Hope Cottage at 1.800.944.4464 or 214.404.4546.



Meet the Staff - Brooks Quinlan

Brooks Quinlan, LMSW-AP

Hope Cottage Director of Programs Brooks Quinlan, LMSW-AP is a card carrying member of the Who Dat Nation, growing up in Bay St Louis, not too far from New Orleans like he did. Brooks is coming up on his two year anniversary at Hope Cottage, having joined the organization in August 2009. He earned his BS in Sociology at the University of Southern Alabama and his Masters in Social Work from the University of Alabama (can you say Roll Tide?). When asked what drew him to social work, Brooks replied "It was the only way I could find to make a difference in this world before I left it and get paid...a little." In addition to adoption work, Brooks has also worked with at risk youth and juvenile detention. He also started the Post Adoption  Program for the County of West Berkshire, United Kingdom.  We once asked Brooks why he moved lock, stock and barrel for a job in England and he replied "I was single and had the opportunity.  Why not go?"

As the Director of Programs at Hope Cottage, Brooks manages a staff of nine and has the responsibility of overseeing all adoption programs, post adoption work, counseling and our Youth and Professional Education Programs. Brooks has perseverence too - he has hiked more than 700 miles on the Appalachian Trail.

Outside of the office, Brooks can be found spending time on the water, playing his guitar and singing - with his wife and dog. A little known fact about Brooks? He hates mushrooms!

Hope Cottage is the oldest nonprofit, non sectarian adoption agency in Dallas. Since 1918 Hope Cottage has been building and nurturing strong families through counseling, education and adoption services.


If you have questions about adoption, please call Hope Cottage at 214.526.8721.


If you are a woman facing an unwanted pregnancy and would like to talk to someone about adoption, please call Hope Cottage at 1.800.944.4464 or 214.404.4546.

The Teacher and the Marshall

Jerry Cline

"I exist on the whim of an 1869 Comanche raiding party in Central Texas".  Thus begins Hope Baby Jerry Cline's book Born and Raised:  An American Story of Adoption. 

Jerry was adopted from Hope Cottage in 1939 by King and Bertha Cline.  His parents never kept his adoption a secret from him.  As was the custom at the time, his adoption was closed meaning neither he nor his parents had any information about his birthparents, but Jerry says he always felt special because he was chosen by his parents out of all the little babies at Hope Cottage.  In 1985, Jerry started his quest to find out more about his birthparents.  His search started where his story all began - at Hope Cottage.  Because all adoption records were sealed at the time of his birth, the information that Hope Cottage could release at that time was brief  without any specific names or places that could identify his birthparents.  Most surprising of all is 1) he learned his birthfather was 72 when Jerry was born and 2) nurses at Hope Cottage originally named him Monte.  Jerry put the information aside for 16 years.

Jerry's Parents - 1946
 King (back row, right) and Bertha (front row, right)



Prompted by a friend, Jerry picked up again his search in 2000.  At this point both his parents had passed away .  He says "However sad, their passing removed a psychological barrier.  I think subconsciously that while they were alive, I had not wanted to do anything that they might interpret as undermining to their position as my real parents."  In April 2001, a Dallas judge opened Jerry's adoption records and the search was on. 



Without giving away too much of the story, Jerry learned that his birthmother was Pearl A. Tullis (1901-1992) and his birthfather was Daniel "Dee" Harkey (1866-1958). Harkey was a famous lawman in the Old West and had even written a book entitled Mean as Hell - The Life of New Mexico Lawman.  During his career as a Marshall,  Dee Harkey rubbed shoulders with  Billy the Kid,  the Dalton Gang and Pat Garrett.  What progressed in Jerry's search and the family history he discovered provides an absolutely fascinating glimpse into life on the Texas frontier post Civil War.  How did a lawman from Carlsbad, New Mexico meet up with a genteel Southern school teacher from Louisiana 35 years his junior?  You will just have to read the book!

Dee Harkey

Pearl Tullis

And where does the opening line in the book fit in?  In 1869, a Comanche raiding party found the Harkey ranch too great a temptation to resist - thirteen children, the oldest only 17, running the family spread after both parents died.  For whatever reason, after terrorizing the family for two days,  the Indians decided to only take the horses and spared the lives of the family, thus ensuring that Dee Harkey would grow to manhood and father Jerry Cline. 

Jerry Cline is a mathematician.  He earned his BA and MS degrees from Southern Illinois University in Carbondale and a Ph.D. from Purdue University.  His research specialty is Celestial Mechanics.  In addition, Dr. Cline served on the adjunct mathematics faulty at Washington University in St. Louis from 1967-2004.  He lives in St. Louis with his wife Phyllis.  He has two sons, two daughters-in-law and three granddaughters. 

To order your copy of the book, visit one of these websites:  http://www.jerrykcline.com/,   http://www.xlibris.com/ and http://www.amazon.com/. 

The Cline Family
Christmas 2010

Hope Cottage is the oldest nonprofit, non sectarian adoption agency in Dallas. Since 1918 Hope Cottage has been building and nurturing strong families through counseling, education and adoption services.

If you have questions about adoption, please call Hope Cottage at 214.526.8721.

If you are a woman facing an unwanted pregnancy and would like to talk to someone about adoption, please call Hope Cottage at 1.800.944.4464 or 214.404.4546.