Wow! Kudos to our Counseling and Education Team here at Hope Cottage - just yesterday they reported that just since 2005, 8,459 teenagers have been through the ABC's of Adoption Education Program. For those of you not familiar with this program, the ABC's of Adoption is a program, developed and presented by Hope Cottage to area middle schoolers and high schoolers so that teens are armed with real world information about the difficulties created by becoming a teen parent for themselves, their families and any real or potential children in hopes that they will make responsible choices for both their future and that of babies they may have. It gives a de-romanticized message about teen parenting and then as a tag, presents a few minutes on adoption as an option for a crises pregnancy.
Many of you read the article in September 2009 (and it has also been referenced on this blog) in the Dallas Morning News that recent findings by the Centers for Disease Control showed Texas to be #1 in repeat teen pregnancies (that means children under the age of 20 having more than one child) and Dallas is #1 in Texas. A couple of weeks ago, when the principal at a local (I will keep them nameless) high school reported to an assembly that their school was #1 in Dallas for teen pregnancies, the entire study body cheered. Yikes!
I won't repeat the statistics for children of teen parents - you can see them in an earlier post, but I think we can all agree that teen parenting is not a good thing. You can be a successful teen parent and not succumb to the stereotypes, but only if you have a VERY strong support system and let's face it, most teen parents don't have that.
This weekend, Girls Living Life on Purpose, Inc. is hosting "No Baby! You Ain't Ready". The organization empowers young women to discover, connect and pursue. Kudos to them!
Most of all, kudos to Brooks Quinlan and Susan Mathews for their outstanding work educating, I repeat, 8,459 area teens in the past 5 years on the cost of being a teen parent.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Birthmother Poem
Here is a poem written by one of our recent adoptive mothers. It is too beautiful not to share.
Birthmother Poem
by Shannon Hills
Giver of life
Beacon of hope
Unselfish sacrifice
Beyond the courage of most
Beyond the courage of most
Nurturing watchman both day and night
Keeper of the dream until God's appointed time
Some say it was a mistake, an unplanned event
But the heavens rejoice that you chose to commit
To choose life, to give life, not once but twice
Birthmother, I thank you for the ultimate sacrifice!
Your child, our child, will always know
How deeply she was loved in the womb and forever more!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Adoption, The News and Hope Cottage
When you work for an adoption agency, people talk to you about adoption. They ask questions. They want your opinion. Anyone who knows me, knows I LOVE to talk about adoption and how Hope Cottage has been nurturing and building strong families since 1918. I do not purport to be an expert in the field. I leave that to the wonderful social workers and clinical staff Hope Cottage is blessed to have. But, you can imagine, there have been many, many questions asked this week concerning the tragic saga of the young boy, sent back to Russia alone, by his adoptive mother.
Everyone agrees this is a horrible, sad situation. And I must point out that this is an isolated incident and not indicative of most adoptions, foreign or domestic. I cannot imagine the despair the adoptive mother must have felt. Our hearts go out to the families, waiting to adopt from Russia, who are now in limbo because the Russian government has suspended adoptions. The Russian government is perfectly justified in their actions - they want and should protect the most vulnerable - their children. We don't know the whole story and we may never know all the details.
What stands out most in this whole situation is the apparent lack of counseling. We don't know why Austin didn't receive counseling. Maybe his mother didn't know where to go. Maybe none was offered. We just don't know. The thing we do know - help is available for adoptive parents. One of the things that makes me so proud of Hope Cottage is our commitment to post adoption support. Hope Cottage provides counseling, at any time, for any age, at any point in the adoption process - even years after the adoption has been finalized. Parents, children, siblings, extended family - all are welcome. No one is turned away for inability to pay. AND you do not have to have adopted through Hope Cottage to receive our services. Counseling is not just available for the adoptive families. Birth mothers receive free counseling from Hope Cottage for life if need be. We provide support groups for families who are waiting to be matched with a child. We provide support groups for birthmothers, before and after that baby is born.
Hope Cottage has been committed to serving the community since 1918. If you or someone you know is struggling, call Hope Cottage at 214.526.8721. No one is alone and Hope Cottage is here to help.
Everyone agrees this is a horrible, sad situation. And I must point out that this is an isolated incident and not indicative of most adoptions, foreign or domestic. I cannot imagine the despair the adoptive mother must have felt. Our hearts go out to the families, waiting to adopt from Russia, who are now in limbo because the Russian government has suspended adoptions. The Russian government is perfectly justified in their actions - they want and should protect the most vulnerable - their children. We don't know the whole story and we may never know all the details.
What stands out most in this whole situation is the apparent lack of counseling. We don't know why Austin didn't receive counseling. Maybe his mother didn't know where to go. Maybe none was offered. We just don't know. The thing we do know - help is available for adoptive parents. One of the things that makes me so proud of Hope Cottage is our commitment to post adoption support. Hope Cottage provides counseling, at any time, for any age, at any point in the adoption process - even years after the adoption has been finalized. Parents, children, siblings, extended family - all are welcome. No one is turned away for inability to pay. AND you do not have to have adopted through Hope Cottage to receive our services. Counseling is not just available for the adoptive families. Birth mothers receive free counseling from Hope Cottage for life if need be. We provide support groups for families who are waiting to be matched with a child. We provide support groups for birthmothers, before and after that baby is born.
Hope Cottage has been committed to serving the community since 1918. If you or someone you know is struggling, call Hope Cottage at 214.526.8721. No one is alone and Hope Cottage is here to help.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
New Statistics for Teen Age Pregnancies
Post by guest blogger Maggie Jung
If you flip open a section of the Dallas Morning News, you probably wouldn’t be surprised to find an article on the increasing problem of teen pregnancy in the United States. But what about an article stating teen birth rates have dropped? Until now, data has pointed towards another possible increase, yet just recently, on April 6, 2010, the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy sent out a press release announcing that teen birth rates in the United States had decreased for the first time in three years. Between 2007 and 2008, the total decline in teen births among teens age 15-19 dropped 2%. After an increase of 5% between 2005 and 2008, this new data may offer some hope that this trend is being reversed. Data provided by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention’s National Center for Health Statistics showed that the biggest decline was seen among older teens, ages 18-19, where the teen birth rate fell 4%.
With the release of this information one might wonder where Texas, and particularly Dallas County, stands in relation to the rest of the country. Texas has often been well above the national average. According to the Texas Department of State Health Services, in 2005 birth rates for teens 15-17 years were 21.4 out of 1,000 girls in the United States and 35.3 per 1,000 girls in Texas.
After Mississippi and New Mexico, this puts Texas at the top of the list of states with the highest teen birth rates. As for Dallas County, while the nearby counties of Denton, Rockwall, Collin, Wise, and Parker fall at or below the national average, Dallas had somewhere between 21.5 and 42.8 teen births out of 1,000, and in the North Texas region, 12% of these were repeat births. According to the Dallas Morning News, as of 2007 24% of teen births in the state were repeat births.
There are plenty of theories out there about why teen birth rates are so high. Rather than debate “Why?” we should look at what we can do to continue this decline in teenage births at the national level, but also at the statewide and local levels. Education is critical to preventing teenage pregnancy. And in particular in Texas, where the repeat birth rates are so high, we should look at what can be done to educate teens who have already given birth once before.
Hope Cottage offers counseling and parenting classes to pregnant teens, and works with teens in many different situations and not only with teens after becoming pregnant. Through programs like “The ABCs of Adoption,” Hope Cottage can also work on the educating teens about the trials and tribulations of a teen age pregnancy.
As we wait for statewide data to be made available, we might consider what else can be done to help prevent high teen birth rates. One thing I am sure we can all agree on is that it is not OK to be so high above the national average. Let’s do something about it!
If you flip open a section of the Dallas Morning News, you probably wouldn’t be surprised to find an article on the increasing problem of teen pregnancy in the United States. But what about an article stating teen birth rates have dropped? Until now, data has pointed towards another possible increase, yet just recently, on April 6, 2010, the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy sent out a press release announcing that teen birth rates in the United States had decreased for the first time in three years. Between 2007 and 2008, the total decline in teen births among teens age 15-19 dropped 2%. After an increase of 5% between 2005 and 2008, this new data may offer some hope that this trend is being reversed. Data provided by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention’s National Center for Health Statistics showed that the biggest decline was seen among older teens, ages 18-19, where the teen birth rate fell 4%.
With the release of this information one might wonder where Texas, and particularly Dallas County, stands in relation to the rest of the country. Texas has often been well above the national average. According to the Texas Department of State Health Services, in 2005 birth rates for teens 15-17 years were 21.4 out of 1,000 girls in the United States and 35.3 per 1,000 girls in Texas.
After Mississippi and New Mexico, this puts Texas at the top of the list of states with the highest teen birth rates. As for Dallas County, while the nearby counties of Denton, Rockwall, Collin, Wise, and Parker fall at or below the national average, Dallas had somewhere between 21.5 and 42.8 teen births out of 1,000, and in the North Texas region, 12% of these were repeat births. According to the Dallas Morning News, as of 2007 24% of teen births in the state were repeat births.
There are plenty of theories out there about why teen birth rates are so high. Rather than debate “Why?” we should look at what we can do to continue this decline in teenage births at the national level, but also at the statewide and local levels. Education is critical to preventing teenage pregnancy. And in particular in Texas, where the repeat birth rates are so high, we should look at what can be done to educate teens who have already given birth once before.
Hope Cottage offers counseling and parenting classes to pregnant teens, and works with teens in many different situations and not only with teens after becoming pregnant. Through programs like “The ABCs of Adoption,” Hope Cottage can also work on the educating teens about the trials and tribulations of a teen age pregnancy.
As we wait for statewide data to be made available, we might consider what else can be done to help prevent high teen birth rates. One thing I am sure we can all agree on is that it is not OK to be so high above the national average. Let’s do something about it!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Shannon Kincaid and Oprah Winfrey
How very exciting - one of our very own Hope Babies, artwork and Oprah Winfrey. Check it out on Youtube!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Teen Pregnancy Rates Right in Our Own Backyard
As Texans, we thrive on being the best at everything. It began even before Texas entered the union as what was then the biggest state and carried on through the days of Friday Night Football and UT championships. And guess what - we are continuing with the "we're number one" attitude - in repeat teen pregnancy rates. Yes, that is right - the state of Texas leads the nation in the number of teenagers having two or more babies before they reach the age of 20. AND, do you care to guess which city is #1 in Texas? - you've got it. Big "D", little "a", double "l" "a" "s". DALLAS.
We can sit here all day and debate all the reasons why teens find themselves pregnant- it doesn't matter. What does matter is that children are having children and they are having more than one while they are still children. Children of teenage parents are more likely to:
1. perform more poorly in school
2. have fewer fine motor skills.
3. have more behavioral problems.
4. be raised in poverty.
5. drop out of school.
6. be incarcerated as adults.
7. be teen parents themselves.
So where does Hope Cottage fit into all this? By offering a free program to area high school and middle school students called "The ABCs of Adoption". This program
de-romanticizes teen pregnancy and also addresses the myths and misconceptions of adoption. Last year close to 1,000 teens went through the program and came out with some great knowledge about what being a teen parent really takes and the fact that adoption is an option for someone experiencing an unplanned pregnancy.
If you are interested in learning more about this program and education programs offered by Hope Cottage, contact Brooks at 214.526.8721, ext. 212.
And for once, let's let another state be number one!
We can sit here all day and debate all the reasons why teens find themselves pregnant- it doesn't matter. What does matter is that children are having children and they are having more than one while they are still children. Children of teenage parents are more likely to:
1. perform more poorly in school
2. have fewer fine motor skills.
3. have more behavioral problems.
4. be raised in poverty.
5. drop out of school.
6. be incarcerated as adults.
7. be teen parents themselves.
So where does Hope Cottage fit into all this? By offering a free program to area high school and middle school students called "The ABCs of Adoption". This program
de-romanticizes teen pregnancy and also addresses the myths and misconceptions of adoption. Last year close to 1,000 teens went through the program and came out with some great knowledge about what being a teen parent really takes and the fact that adoption is an option for someone experiencing an unplanned pregnancy.
If you are interested in learning more about this program and education programs offered by Hope Cottage, contact Brooks at 214.526.8721, ext. 212.
And for once, let's let another state be number one!
At Last I Know Who I Really Am - Part III
They talked all summer, sprawled on the floor munching candy bars and drinking diet sodas. They pored over family snapshots. They discovered they sang in the same register, laughed in the same key. Betty's 24-year marriage was on the verge of dissolving when Shannon found her, and she was grieving still for a son killed in an automobile accident five years earlier. It had been a long time since Betty had had very much to laugh about.
Inevitably, the conversation would its way back to Gatesville and June 5, 19XX - to the morning Betty first laid eyes on Shannon father, Don Tolin.
"I was on my way to the drugstore," Betty told her, "when this young soldier stepped out of the bank. He said something I didn't catch, but I turned around and I guess I smiled. He said I had the cutest smile he had ever seen and he wasn't going to let anybody with a smile that cute get away."
That's how it began. Don was 23, college educated, a Yankee, a sharp dresser with a new red car. Betty was 15, a farm girl in the 10th grade.
Dating Don, "I was like a celebrity in that little town," Betty remembers. "It was all very romantic. We'd been going together for just about six months when he proposed. We talked about getting married when school let out. But then, come February, I found out that I was going to have a baby."
When Don heard the news, he suggested they elope, but Betty would not hear of it. "I'd always dreamed of a real wedding-of walking down the aisle and saying 'I do' with family and friends there in the church", she says. "I wanted the hole thing." Don tried a second time, came by her house and asked her to leave with him that very night. "He was in uniform-I'd never seen him in uniform before-and I probably should have guessed that he had been discharged and was heading back home to Indianapolis. But I told him no. And then I waited and waited. It finally dawned on me that he wasn't coming back. I threw his ring into the Brazos river. It just didn't mean anything to me anymore."
When the time came, Betty went to Hope Cottage and had her baby. She named her Donna Gayle and immediately put her up for adoption. Betty saw Don once after that-two years later, when his reserve unit returned to Texas. "That ended with another argument," Betty says. "He wanted me to help him find Donna Gayle. I told him I wouldn't disrupt her life. I knew she'd been well placed, that she had more than I could ever hope to give her."
Shannon swears that what happened next just...happened. "It was my birth mother I had always identified with and fantasized about," Shannon says, "but the more Betty talked about Don-he was so this and so that and so the other-the closer I got to thinking,'Hey, I want to know him too.'" Finding him, however, was something else again. This time she had no tattletale number with which to begin her paper chase. She started in Indianapolis and wound up calling all the Tolins in all three Indiana area codes. None of the Tolin families had ever heard of a Donald Lee.
She tried the Army Reserve Board. His records had been among those destroyed in a fire some years earlier. She asked Baylor University to search its transcripts. Nothing. Then Betty decided it might have been Mary Hardin Baylor, a community college close to Gatesville, where Don had taken classes. Its records had also been destroyed in a fire.
"I had worked at it almost full-time for a month and had come up empty," Shannon says. "Without something solid to go on I was flat stymied. But then, just before midnight on July 3, Betty called to tell me her brother-in-law, An Army officer, had turned up Don's date of birth. I new I had him then. If he was anywhere in the country, a computer would find him." She enlisted the help of a police officer friend. It took only minutes: Donald Lee Tolin, male Caucasian, 5'11", 185 pounds, brown hair, green eyes...This current address? Dallas, Texas-not 15 minutes from Shannon's own house.
Long lost fathers, she had been cautioned, tend to be more suspicious than long lost mothers. And indeed, it took some persuading by a go-between to get Don to agree to a Friday get-together with Shannon and Betty. "But I couldn't wait for Friday," Shannon says. "I went to his office ahead of time, walked in on him unannounced and told him who I was. He stood up and put his hand out to me. 'I want to touch you, but I just don't know what you want me to do,' he said. 'How about a hug?' I said. He came around his desk and almost squished my guts out!" They talked for two and a half hours. About his 15-year marriage, which had ended in divorce nine years ago. About his five other children. But mostly he wanted to know about Betty. Was she still just as cute and sweet as he remembered?
The reunion on Friday couldn't have bone better. Shannon's husband, Robert, says with a grin, "You could see there was something between them the instants he walked into the restaurant and picked her up and hugged her. It was like they'd never been apart." As they were saying their good-byes in the parking lot, Don Sidled over to Shannon and whispered, "You know, I'd really like to see Betty again, but I feel kind of weird. What do I do?" "Call her, " his daughter advised. He did. And a few weeks later when he and Betty were out for a drive, he said "You know you're going to marry me, don't you?" And Betty replied, "If you're asking me, I said yes once before and I'll say it again. Do you think we should elope?" "Hell, no!" Don thundered. "You've held out for a wedding for 27 years, and, by God, you'll get one!"
On Saturday, November 22, 198X in the First Baptist Church in Dallas, Donald Lee Tolin took Betty Jane Parrish to be his lawful wedded wife. Family and friends-Shannon's "other" father included-looked on as they exchanged their vows. Young Obie Frazier, Shannon and Robert's son, was the ring-bearer. And Donna Gayle Parrish/Shannon Moore Kincaid Frazier was-appropriately enough - matron of honor. It was, Shannon says, the beautiful happy ending that she had dreamed of all these years.
"Everything all fell into place so neatly I'm convinced it was meant to be. But that doesn't mean there wasn't some hurt along the way. It was very difficult, for example, for my mom. For 26 years she'd thought of me as completely hers. But she's gradually come to terms with the idea that I now have two sets of parents. She's still Mom to me and always will be. Betty is Betty." Shannon pauses and grins. "Shoot," she says. "If you don't have two mothers and two fathers these days, you're nothin'!"
Inevitably, the conversation would its way back to Gatesville and June 5, 19XX - to the morning Betty first laid eyes on Shannon father, Don Tolin.
"I was on my way to the drugstore," Betty told her, "when this young soldier stepped out of the bank. He said something I didn't catch, but I turned around and I guess I smiled. He said I had the cutest smile he had ever seen and he wasn't going to let anybody with a smile that cute get away."
That's how it began. Don was 23, college educated, a Yankee, a sharp dresser with a new red car. Betty was 15, a farm girl in the 10th grade.
Dating Don, "I was like a celebrity in that little town," Betty remembers. "It was all very romantic. We'd been going together for just about six months when he proposed. We talked about getting married when school let out. But then, come February, I found out that I was going to have a baby."
When Don heard the news, he suggested they elope, but Betty would not hear of it. "I'd always dreamed of a real wedding-of walking down the aisle and saying 'I do' with family and friends there in the church", she says. "I wanted the hole thing." Don tried a second time, came by her house and asked her to leave with him that very night. "He was in uniform-I'd never seen him in uniform before-and I probably should have guessed that he had been discharged and was heading back home to Indianapolis. But I told him no. And then I waited and waited. It finally dawned on me that he wasn't coming back. I threw his ring into the Brazos river. It just didn't mean anything to me anymore."
When the time came, Betty went to Hope Cottage and had her baby. She named her Donna Gayle and immediately put her up for adoption. Betty saw Don once after that-two years later, when his reserve unit returned to Texas. "That ended with another argument," Betty says. "He wanted me to help him find Donna Gayle. I told him I wouldn't disrupt her life. I knew she'd been well placed, that she had more than I could ever hope to give her."
Shannon swears that what happened next just...happened. "It was my birth mother I had always identified with and fantasized about," Shannon says, "but the more Betty talked about Don-he was so this and so that and so the other-the closer I got to thinking,'Hey, I want to know him too.'" Finding him, however, was something else again. This time she had no tattletale number with which to begin her paper chase. She started in Indianapolis and wound up calling all the Tolins in all three Indiana area codes. None of the Tolin families had ever heard of a Donald Lee.
She tried the Army Reserve Board. His records had been among those destroyed in a fire some years earlier. She asked Baylor University to search its transcripts. Nothing. Then Betty decided it might have been Mary Hardin Baylor, a community college close to Gatesville, where Don had taken classes. Its records had also been destroyed in a fire.
"I had worked at it almost full-time for a month and had come up empty," Shannon says. "Without something solid to go on I was flat stymied. But then, just before midnight on July 3, Betty called to tell me her brother-in-law, An Army officer, had turned up Don's date of birth. I new I had him then. If he was anywhere in the country, a computer would find him." She enlisted the help of a police officer friend. It took only minutes: Donald Lee Tolin, male Caucasian, 5'11", 185 pounds, brown hair, green eyes...This current address? Dallas, Texas-not 15 minutes from Shannon's own house.
Long lost fathers, she had been cautioned, tend to be more suspicious than long lost mothers. And indeed, it took some persuading by a go-between to get Don to agree to a Friday get-together with Shannon and Betty. "But I couldn't wait for Friday," Shannon says. "I went to his office ahead of time, walked in on him unannounced and told him who I was. He stood up and put his hand out to me. 'I want to touch you, but I just don't know what you want me to do,' he said. 'How about a hug?' I said. He came around his desk and almost squished my guts out!" They talked for two and a half hours. About his 15-year marriage, which had ended in divorce nine years ago. About his five other children. But mostly he wanted to know about Betty. Was she still just as cute and sweet as he remembered?
The reunion on Friday couldn't have bone better. Shannon's husband, Robert, says with a grin, "You could see there was something between them the instants he walked into the restaurant and picked her up and hugged her. It was like they'd never been apart." As they were saying their good-byes in the parking lot, Don Sidled over to Shannon and whispered, "You know, I'd really like to see Betty again, but I feel kind of weird. What do I do?" "Call her, " his daughter advised. He did. And a few weeks later when he and Betty were out for a drive, he said "You know you're going to marry me, don't you?" And Betty replied, "If you're asking me, I said yes once before and I'll say it again. Do you think we should elope?" "Hell, no!" Don thundered. "You've held out for a wedding for 27 years, and, by God, you'll get one!"
On Saturday, November 22, 198X in the First Baptist Church in Dallas, Donald Lee Tolin took Betty Jane Parrish to be his lawful wedded wife. Family and friends-Shannon's "other" father included-looked on as they exchanged their vows. Young Obie Frazier, Shannon and Robert's son, was the ring-bearer. And Donna Gayle Parrish/Shannon Moore Kincaid Frazier was-appropriately enough - matron of honor. It was, Shannon says, the beautiful happy ending that she had dreamed of all these years.
"Everything all fell into place so neatly I'm convinced it was meant to be. But that doesn't mean there wasn't some hurt along the way. It was very difficult, for example, for my mom. For 26 years she'd thought of me as completely hers. But she's gradually come to terms with the idea that I now have two sets of parents. She's still Mom to me and always will be. Betty is Betty." Shannon pauses and grins. "Shoot," she says. "If you don't have two mothers and two fathers these days, you're nothin'!"
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